A Match Made in a Test Tube
by NonaNonaLuftballon
Summary: Inuyasha's an honest computer engineer on parole after five years for stapler assault. Kagome's biological clock ticks so loud she can hear it at night. After deciding men truly were scum, she decides on IVF and THEN Inuyasha comes crashing in....
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha  
  
@)~~~~  
  
8 years ago....  
  
She knew she looked good.  
  
It's not just the hair, she thought, it's the effect. The lighting, the dress, the shoes, the smile, the look...I have him....  
  
...only he's not paying as much attention as I'd like him to.  
  
"Hojo?" Kagome gave a radiant smile that was further illuminated by the vanilla scented candles placed in front of her, the flames dancing within her eyes, "Is something wrong?"  
  
She pulled off the questioning quite gracefully considering her line of vision kept darting behind his back in search of a ring box. However, she missed the look in his eye.  
  
"Higurashi...."  
  
"Kagome! Hojo, you haven't called me 'Higurashi' since grade school...." She cutely tweaked his nose while he gave a small smile, blushing and averting his eyes.  
  
"Kagome," she mistook his tone for lovingly, "We've had a wonderful five years together, and they've been so much to me...."  
  
Kagome vaguely wondered if she'd remembered to powder her nose but then mentally slapped herself for thinking like a desperate woman.  
  
"But I can't." She looked up shocked.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I can't go on. I've...I've...." Kagome stopped him.  
  
"You've...been cheating...haven't you?" She became dead quiet and looked to her right, trying to admire the artistic arrangement of the lilies.  
  
"Well..." Hojo looked downtrodden and went into shock when he saw Kagome perk up.  
  
"It's okay! I mean, it was probably just a little kiss when you were tipsy, right? I mean, you're too sweet to go out and have a full blown--"  
  
"After our first date, Higurashi," Hojo began with the vocal idiocy belonging to a desperate man, "I went home and screwed my neighbor's daughter. Afterwards, I couldn't take it anymore and was about to come to you in guilt when Takeda's blonde secretary invited me for a drink. We went in every direction and she even brought out this little book. Then, your sister--"  
  
Kagome had been taking all this rather well. "Hojo, I don't have a sister."  
  
"Well, we were both really too drunk to worry about that. Then when you wouldn't put out that night at the mountain, I found Yuka and Sayumi--"  
  
"Sayuri, Hojo." Kagome gulped her wine down, her eyes glazing over.  
  
"—and I didn't know they went that way at the time, but yeah...I banged them too...."  
  
"At the same time?"  
  
"Yes. And then there was that hot little number underneath the drive thru window at Denny's--"  
  
"Didn't people see?"  
  
"Yeah. It was kinda kinky. Then two weeks ago, I thought the best way to stop all this was to ask you to marry me, maybe you could have helped me settle down, but then the saleslady did the most incredible thing with a Rolex and a couple nipple rings--"  
  
This time, it wasn't Kagome's voice that stopped him. No, it was reality and the conscious ability to scream that skipped away when her blazing form brained the last few strands of thought and nervous tissue from him with a flower vase.  
  
Knowing she still looked good, Kagome took his wallet and left.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
In another part of the city, a twenty-nine year old hanyou nearly cried in his cubicle. A small fanged grin appeared on his face as he twirled around uncharacteristically.  
  
I have a job!!!  
  
Inuyasha was not one to form thoughts with three exclamation points, but considering his educational history, his position as a head computer engineer was something that would have caused him to herniate in disbelief ten years ago. A lot happens in ten years.  
  
He grudgingly (and mentally) thanked Sesshoumaru. If that perfectionist drama queen transvestite brother of his hadn't pissed him off so much with his "success in life" or whatever he wouldn't have even tried in college.  
  
It was all about the competition to Inuyasha. And now he had won.  
  
...sure it was a cubicle and a snappy stapler that came with the title of "Head Computer Engineer" but it was better than whatever Sesshoumaru was up to...whatever that was. His brother's antics were of no concern to him. Inuyasha had nearly held his father at gunpoint in order to make him (fearfully) choke out he was proud of his position in life and that was just as good as, "You're the most favoritest favorite favorite favorite child of your mother and I and your brother is just a big boa-wearing poo head."  
  
And now, he thought, I'm going to have a beer.  
  
The kitchen in Inuyasha's office was two cubicles to the right and one to the left of Inuyasha's own closed quarters. To get there, he had to pass Matsuura, the medicated software engineer and Yumi, the brilliant eighteen year old who was spared the educational pressure of college by proving her prowess to the previous manager with her hacking skills. They really kept her around for show, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.  
  
However, Inuyasha's little trek to alcohol heaven was spiritually and physically dampered by her. Sure, she had wanted his position, gave the best four years of her life to the job, came with sunrise, didn't leave until the janitor dragged her out by the collar of her immaculate business suit, and most likely gained vulnerability to eye cancer after staring into glowing monitors for hours on end...but she wasn't bitter. At least, that's what Inuyasha thought. It somehow came together as logic in his mind.  
  
She had a plan. Of course, he didn't know this. He just wanted a Heineken.  
  
"IIIInnnuuuuuyaaaaaaaasshhhaaaaaa," she cooed. He looked over at her and smirked. She was cute enough.  
  
"Hey, Kikyo."  
  
She pouted, "Be a darling would you? I can't seem to work my stapler...and you wanted these client finalizations by tomorrow...." She trailed off and looked shamefully at a spot on the cubicle, making sure to expose her neck, collar bones, and several other erogenous zones that Glamour had recommended were ideal in catching a sleazy boss.  
  
"Sure, Kikyo." Inuyasha was a computer engineer. One thing Microsoft 101 never really covered was basic stapler construction. He didn't know that the little staples could be rigged. He didn't know that slapping the damn thing when it was opened wide would aim a tiny, sharp, pseudo-dart at his seductive co-worker. He also didn't learn a lot about women.  
  
"EEK! Assault! I can't believe you, Inuyasha!"  
  
"What? The staple! It just--"  
  
"Is it because I'm a woman, Inuyasha?! Am I a threat to your position?!" "Wha--? No! I was trying to fix the--"  
  
"Fix the old fashioned work system in here? Beat the woman into submission until she knows where she belongs in this misogynistic world?! YOU, my dear boss, will be hearing from my lawyer." And with a swish of skirts, she was gone.  
  
Yumi and Matsuura's heads popped over the edge of the cubicle. Matsuura was certain he'd heard a noise and Yumi was considering employment elsewhere.  
  
Inuyasha looked at his thumb, stabbed painfully with the offending staple.  
  
"Fuuuuuuck....."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"And so, Inuyasha, my old--"  
  
"Out with the damn verdict, Miroku!"  
  
"The jury was lenient on you, buddy, assaulting a woman in the workplace isn't a wrist-slapping offense there."  
  
"GET ON WITH IT!" Inuyasha roared, glaring at a smirking Kikyo who had mysteriously acquired a broken arm from "an attack by office ware artillery".  
  
"Five years." Miroku said with a definitive smack on his desk.  
  
"Five years of what? Being her love slave? Her personal secretary?...Sesshoumaru's coffee boy?!" Inuyasha felt mild convulsions in his abdomen and prayed it was something involving him and a ravine filled with rabid wolverines.  
  
"Five years in the state detention center."  
  
He blanched. No...jail? The birdhouse? He wasn't Elvis! He couldn't suddenly make all the men named Molly stop in their sodomizing tracks with a fun filled song about blue suede shoes!  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me, Miroku?"  
  
"It was assault, 'Yasha ol' buddy."  
  
"And you're not even sorry??"  
  
"I'm drunk."  
  
"Shouldn't you be going to prison with me then, you bastard?!"  
  
"I'm not flinging pointy objects at women, Inuyasha."  
  
"But it was a fucking stapler! And look!" Inuyasha pulled out his Flintstone bandaged thumb, "It got me in the thumb! How could a half ounce, if even that, stapler break her fucking ARM?!"  
  
"The jury really didn't like your attitude. And besides, as the lovely Kikyo," Miroku wagged his eyebrows while Kikyo clenched her teeth, "pointed out, you're a menace to society."  
  
"A menace?"  
  
Miroku sighed. "I just said that Inuyasha. Besides, I'm sure we could cut your sentence. I'm very disappointed in you. Offending charming women when instead they should instead be--"  
  
"Say it and die!" Inuyasha was a few hairs short of livid...but that was understandable.  
  
"See you in five years, Inu!"  
  
"Rot in hell!" 


	2. Chapter 2

@)~~~~  
  
The Lives of Kagome, Inuyasha...and Miroku...over the last 8 years....  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"Kagome, darling." Kouga grinned a fanged grin. She was completely intoxicated. Her eyes rolled heavenwards, as if trying to see the inside of her eyelids without shutting them and her lips became even more inviting then when he had picked her up.  
  
"Yes, mysterious stranger?"  
  
"This won't work out."  
  
A flurry of emotions overtook Kagome. However, aggravation seemed to be the most prominent. She held her position.  
  
"We've known each other for a few hours. You can't have been cheating on me."  
  
"Well, no..."  
  
"Oh thank goodness!" Kagome squealed and latched onto Kouga, in a sudden sobriety. "We'll have so much fun! We'll go on dates, and I'll attach a homing device to you so I know if you've so much as WALKED near a sorority...oh! And matching house keys!! It'll be great! And when you propose, I'll wear that tube top dress...not really a dress when you think about it...but it'll be so worth it! I like sapphires," she said seriously, "they match my eyes."  
  
"Hm. I'll keep that in mind...though it probably won't do me any good."  
  
Kagome pulled out the big guns and pouted. "Why not, sexy?"  
  
"I'm engaged. See ya!"  
  
The Tokyo Police Department received several complaints about an attempted murder but upon investigation, it seemed a man had somehow accidentally royally pissed off a drunk cat.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
In the state penitentiary...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"I still can't believe you're a computer engineer."  
  
Grunt.  
  
"I mean, Stewart over there was a manicurist...and we thought that was strange."  
  
Grunt.  
  
"Personally, I think a nice manicure does a body good. Speaking of bodies..."  
  
"Touch me and die."  
  
"Fiesty ones are popular here. Wanna let me show you how to properly hold soap?"  
  
"Remember why I was jailed in the first place?" said Inuyasha with a sort of controlled mix of rage and desperation.  
  
"Um, Mikey said something about...a stapler? Who'd you do in with a stapler?"  
  
"I think there must have been a kind of miscommunication."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"I raped..." said Inuyasha slowly, unsure of how to make it seem more threatening than what Molly Shannon here was used to.  
  
"Ooh! A rapist! Guys get in here!"  
  
"...a small army of chipmunks."  
  
The congregation blinked.  
  
"Yes, chipmunks. I'm not going to go into details...but they were part of a radioactivity experiment held at the...lab...I used to work at. Yes, I worked in a lab. I fixed...mouses...." Inuyasha stopped mid-sentence. What the hell am I talking about?! How the fuck did I end up this way?! Why?!  
  
"That...."  
  
"Oh my god...."  
  
"We don't hold hospitality to perverts, fella."  
  
Inuyasha was against a wall. And then he did something uncharacteristic of his hanyou heritage. He squeaked.  
  
"NOOO! I don't mean...I mean...it's so gruesome...what I did...the secret service...yes! The AMERICAN secret service won't let me reveal it and gave me this rather...brilliant...cover story...so...I'm half demon! Shouldn't you all be terrified?!"  
  
"Jakotsu over there's full demon and he got us to cooperate by telling us of his life as a traveling drag queen."  
  
"Damn."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Luckily for the abused Inuyasha, his five years are nearing an end. Where has Miroku been all this time?  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"Lovely Sango...." All she saw was a lecherous smile.  
  
"Who the fuck are you and how many teeth are you prepared to lose?!"  
  
"Simply your admirer, I have--"  
  
"Your hand is WAY to close to be in my comfort region. Remove it, or I shall find a way to manually castrate you."  
  
"Such a divine voice!"  
  
"Buddy, we met at Taco Bell. Our orders were mixed up. I'm not going to suddenly bear your child."  
  
Miroku's face fell. How?! However, he was always known for a quick recovery.  
  
"I shall prove to you we are destined."  
  
"And I shall prove to you that legalization of domestic fire arms has done me hella good."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Back in the penitentiary...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to--"  
  
"Hey, Yasha!"  
  
"INUYASHA, jacka--"  
  
"You're free."  
  
"Excuse me." It was definitely a statement...borne out of shock.  
  
"I mean, squirrel rapists...it's almost understandable." Inuyasha stared at the guard, "Had a thing for sheep, myself."  
  
The hanyou gulped. It takes a lot to make a hanyou gulp.  
  
"You're letting me go?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And it's perfectly legal?" "Sure."  
  
"Because you believe I violated woodland creatures."  
  
"That's pretty much it."  
  
"...."  
  
"You seem happy," said the guard, opening his door, "I mean...you seem the outdoorsy type...it was probably a terrifying act of desperation...FAR more honorable than beating women in any case. I can't stand those. They should be killed the instant they step in here...."  
  
Inuyasha broke into a sprint. 


	3. Chapter 3

@)~~~~  
  
Present Day  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"Kagome, honey," Sango began hesitantly. "Honey" was a word some magazine said women should use to other women when they were trying to be empathetic. Sango had only learned about the wide world of womanhood upon meeting Kagome and empathy was this month's lesson. Empathy to women, Sango scientifically concluded, was used primarily for consolation after an unsuccessful love affair. How she detested it.  
  
"Yeah Sangoh?" Kagome's red rimmed eyes and clogged nose were the ravaged remnants of four days worth of endless sobbing and romance films complimented with well known aphrodisiacs such as strawberries and chocolate, oysters, and (believe it or not) duck liver. Sango had decided to practice this new fangled "empathy" and try the duck liver with her. She was then consumed with the urge to lay an egg for twelve hours afterwards, but was uncertain of how to go about it.  
  
"It's been thirteen dates and eight years since Hojo. I have never seen such a hopeless case of errant and dismissed heterosexuality. You even wore a thong on the first date for the last six."  
  
"Errand wha--?"  
  
"You don't need to try so hard." The effect was like being drowned in ice water after a brewsky hangover.  
  
"Not TRY so hard?! Sango, my metaphorical ovaries call me an "old maid", small children seem ruder than usual, men have tighter pants and other girls have bigger breasts and...and...I'M NEVER GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN!"  
  
Realization hit Sango like water hits an arthritic baby duck.  
  
"CHILDREN?! Is this what these past eight years of torture have been for?! CHILDREN?!"  
  
"Why else do people date?!"  
  
"Sex?" responded Sango, unsure of herself. That is what Cosmo implied, but sometimes she wasn't all that sure....  
  
Kagome hesitated. "Well, yes...but...I've always wanted an excuse to buy little booties...."  
  
Sango shrugged. "So get one of those incredibly obese cats people breed to torture."  
  
"Yes, Sango, but it's not the same. I want it to giggle and watch Sesame Street and go to school and come home and spill pudding on itself and then call me 'Mommy' and then, every Saturday, we'll go to the park and feed swans...." Kagome trailed off and Sango knew her friend had gone AWOL due to her glazed expression. She felt it was the best opportunity to steal the rest of Kagome's bagel. The news blared on the television and Sango turned to watch.  
  
"Kagome!"  
  
@)~~~~  
  
On Inuyasha's side of reality...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"We don't particularly cater to criminals, sir."  
  
"But, I have a degree and everything..." said Inuyasha in what he hoped sounded hopeful and eager.  
  
"A criminal with a degree?"  
  
"Oh yes."  
  
"What did they put you in for? Exploding pocket protectors?" the job agent guffawed and Inuyasha snapped a pen.  
  
"A slight misunderstanding with a co-worker" said Inuyasha primly, ignoring the blue ink that was leaking into his pants.  
  
"Ah. Happens all the time here. 'S why you never hire women." Inuyasha, turned sexist in all his time at prison, tried very hard to mentally disagree.  
  
"Ehem," he said as a conversation filler.  
  
"Well, I like you. I'm willing to break federal laws in order to get an upstanding boy such as yourself back in the workforce. Especially if it was a woman that knocked you so low."  
  
Inuyasha felt himself rising with giddiness, albeit slightly dampened with cool inky liquid.  
  
"They have an opening at Krispy Kreme. You said you were a computer engineer, right?"  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Back to Kagome...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"KAGOME!"  
  
Kagome's motherhood fantasy was broken with Sango's flailing form and bulging eyes.  
  
"Wha--?"  
  
"You could get an IVF!!!!!" Sango yelled with five exclamation points, a sure sign of a woman who wears her underpants on her head.  
  
"Erm?"  
  
"In vitro fertilization! They'll make a baby for you with the sperm of a guy you learn everything about but never meet so he can't suddenly be a eunuch or something--"  
  
"You don't need to rub it in, Sango! He stuffed it!" said a completely in- tuned Kagome.  
  
"Right, well. You can have a baby and never again worry about men! As a species!"  
  
Kagome looked over to the television screen and the documentary on Discovery Health that changed her life forever.  
  
"Sango! I'm going to call my mom!" she squealed the squeal of a girl who was certain every mother's dream was to find out her daughter gave up on men, women, and quadrupeds alike and had instead settled for a cup of sperm and a long list of complications....  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Inuyasha again...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Lying under a damp cardboard box wasn't so bad, he thought, he just didn't want to know what made it damp....  
  
And the rags fitted him well. They gave him a roguish social security look. Chicks love the...social security...look. Yep.  
  
And Bill in the trashcan next-door thought he had everything. Hunh.  
  
Inuyasha decided it was time to scavenge for food simply to forget the past eight years of his life. He sighed as he found a box of moldy Cheerios. At one point in his life, he'd never even imagined that Cheerios could mold before they reached his mouth.  
  
He was in the street now, his stomach taking away what little sanity he retained with its incessant gurgling. Oh well, hearing that noise for the rest of his life was a million times better than—  
  
"Inuyasha!"  
  
The bearer of the name stopped in shock. He thought better than to turn around.  
  
"Inuyasha! I know you can hear me! It's me!"  
  
Oh god oh god oh god oh god. Please let it be a decrepit pimp with a toothache, herpes, and a hangover with an army of millions of violent homosexuals that felt he would be a good bitch for the time being. Please. ANYTHING but---  
  
"Sesshoumaru! Your brother! Come on, boy, turn around and give your brother a hug!"  
  
Inuyasha reached for the closest sharp object (which, in his case, happened to be an angry cat) and turned around threateningly...  
  
...to find his father glaring at him.  
  
"What's this I hear about prison?" said Inutashio with the strict tone of a man used to asking such questions...just not to his own son....  
  
"Um."  
  
"Impregnating a woman, I hear."  
  
"No, Dad," interjected Sesshoumaru, "that was assaulting a woman. Inuyasha hasn't impregnated a woman since--"  
  
"I've NEVER impregn--"  
  
"Don't you talk back to your brother!"  
  
"Sorry, sir."  
  
"Well," said the eldest inuyoukai, "We'll just have to fix your delinquency. Five years in prison hardly makes a man. I'm sending you to work with Sesshoumaru. No questions or you're disowned."  
  
Inuyasha didn't know what was more painful, his father's news or the cat making a chew toy out of his nads. 


	4. Chapter 4

@)~~~~  
  
Sesshoumaru's Personal Software Engineer. That's what the title read. Inuyasha's eyes scanned the golden print and wondered if his brother had hated him so much to pay for the extra engraving. After all, just Company Software Engineer would have been fine. Or Inuyasha. Oh, while we're at it, why not Chew Toy For Humanity. That's a good one. Or Everyone's Bitch seemed a fitting title for what he had become. Indeed it had.  
  
Inuyasha felt the familiar drugged sensation of having a miserable job overcome him. Not only did he work with his brother, he lived with his brother, and his brother lived with his father, ensuring the entire family set up to be just like high school again. He wanted to curl up into a ball under his oak desk in his private room connected to Sesshoumaru's (which ensured easy access for Sesshoumaru to come running in after suffering from menstrual pain—Inuyasha was sure that was the only cause of moodswings—and beat the crap out of his younger brother) main office and bawl in the most childish feminine way he knew possible.  
  
And what did the drag queen do 9 to 5 on the weekdays? Practice law, of course. As if it wasn't obvious.  
  
Sesshoumaru also had one of those nice offices people climb thirty stories to just look at. It had a wonderful city view and more rooms than he actually used and everything looked like it came out of The Practice or some exaggerated show of the sort. Inuyasha's suicidal side realized thirty stories was a nice height to get a view of Tokyo rappelling through his vision as he met with a merciful death.  
  
He actually considered it and measured the size of the brick he would have to chuck to completely shatter the glass.  
  
His musings were interrupted by Sesshoumaru, who hadn't realized his younger brother had converted his standard mouse icon into a spinning starfish and was screaming bloody murder about "aquatic viruses" of the sort.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Mrs. Higurashi had grown up following the Way of Martha Stewart. She always added chicory to her coffee to bring out the flavor. When complete strangers passed her house, they were drawn to it, not because of the 1950's American architecture that accompanied a traditional Shinto shrine, but because of the gooseberry pies on her windowsill. Souta wore galoshes and Kagome's room was pink.  
  
Mrs. Higurashi never understood why her daughter was so eager to move out and why Souta always came home drenched from the rain.  
  
And now she couldn't understand what Kagome meant by "baby" and "no father necessary, just add semen—and biomedical engineering" Honestly, the way children spoke these days....  
  
"And so, Mom, you'll have grandkids before you know it!"  
  
"That's wonderful, dear. Who's the young man and when can I meet him?"  
  
"Mom, we went over this, see, there is no young man."  
  
Mrs. Higurashi's heart stopped. The scandal. What would the neighbors say after they found out when they saw Kagome come for a visit with a bulging stomach and no father to hold the baby supplies? What would Souta do? Go out and impregnate someone? Would a sudden motorcycle crash, never mind the fact that the boy was only 12, cause him to leave the unwed mother of his children lost, alone, pregnant, all because---  
  
"KAGOME!!!" Mrs. Higurashi shrieked-wailed.  
  
"Oh, it's okay Sango. I think she finally heard me. We don't need to mail a diagram," her daughter's voice calmly said on the other line.  
  
"Oh, my baby girl! Is it because of Hojo? Is it because your father has gone and left this Earth? Is it because your grandfather always narrated the spiritual history of household lint until you were thirteen and he was hit on the head with a flowerpot? Men are not a curse, my child!" Mrs. Higurashi's bob artistically flew back in the wind as she rushed to grab the gooseberry pie from the sill while maintaining a dramatic monologue, "Go, go and do it the proper way—after marriage, of course—and the see the physical fulfillment of having a child!"  
  
Her Kagome's voice was silent on the other end for a few minutes.  
  
"Mom...ew."  
  
"But why, my baby girl? Why?!"  
  
"Mom...," Kagome hesitated, "Mommy...I want a child. It's this wordless calling that lies within the pit of my being that always beckons me, convinces me of the true happiness I'll have with a copy of my own to honor my memory...and no heartbreak involved, because I'll love him or her with my very being."  
  
Mrs. Higurashi's eyes brimmed with tears.  
  
"But if you'd at least let me make a few phone calls to some nice men, I know...oh Kagome, semen alone won't make you hap--"  
  
"MOM!!"  
  
@)~~~~ "How'd Mrs. H take it, Kagome?" Sango asked, having given up on the womanly formalities that came with addressing other people's moms.  
  
"She's still crying, she thinks I'm a lesbian, and her pie burned."  
  
"Oh...so, no home cooked meals for you."  
  
"No. But I'm still doing this. Let's go."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"Oh look at this one, Sango. 25, blonde, green-eyed, drives a motorcycle, in public relations, enjoys long walks and controversial literature, and has a dog. How sweet!" Kagome cooed.  
  
"...and not allowed in the district of Kyoto. Besides, he's eight years younger than you." Sango finished.  
  
Kagome realized this was the 125th name she had gone through and the majority of men seemed to have done this because "there's plenty more where this came from." She felt ready to cry. Then she remembered her dream child, the swans, and baby booties.  
  
"I will NEVER give up, Sango!"  
  
"Great, because I've got a pedicure in fifteen minutes and I'm sure you'll have no problem finding your anonymous other half."  
  
"Leave it to me Sango! In nine months, you'll be an Aunty Sango!"  
  
"Oh joy of joys."  
  
Kagome continued her search.  
  
"Blue eyes, freckles—how the hell are these people Japanese, dammit?!" Patience is a virtue, but not Kagome's.  
  
"BAH!" She cried and looked at the last available listing of donors. It was a little ways away from most and had the words 'SPECIAL' and 'FOR CERTAIN SPECIES ONLY' written all over it, but that hardly mattered. Details, she thought.  
  
"Hmm...Initials: IY, Birthday—hey! Only four years older than me! Hobbies: computers, action movies—ohmigod! I love action movies!—the piano—a piano! How elite!—yachting, surfing, SCUBA diving—wow! A rich boy!—martial arts, reading, community service at a dog pound—awww!—and children." The last one caused tears to flow from Kagome's tired eyes and she decided at last.  
  
"Today's your lucky day IY! Today's the day you become the father of my children!" 


	5. Chapter 5

@)~~~~  
  
"Well, I'm officially pregnant." Kagome said sweetly, dropping her purse on the floor as she sauntered into the foyer, "Now what?"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi's answer was muffled by her blubbering sobs.  
  
"I guess I'll pick out baby names next," Kagome continued, oblivious to the nostalgic tears streaming down her mother's face.  
  
"I'm thinking Kenji if it's a boy--" Mrs. Higurashi could no longer contain herself and let out a high-pitched "SCREE" of motherly desperation and loss. It was then Kagome realized something was wrong.  
  
"Something wrong, Mom?"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi stared at her daughter—no, not her daughter, but in fact, the woman who had a baby with a test-tube and was now picking out baby names—BABY NAMES—a sacred ritual of argumentation and make up sex done between couples and here she was, watching Jay Leno and trying to decide on Kenji—the name she and Mr. Higurashi were considering for her if she'd been a boy. But no, she was a girl; a pregnant fatherless and husbandless girl at that---and then the cycle continued itself in Mrs. Higurashi's head.  
  
"Aw, cheer up, Mom!" Kagome's voice seemed unusually perky and demanding to Mrs. Higurashi today. There is a point between sadness, rage, and ecstasy in the emotional scale of every parent and Kagome had officially introduced Mrs. Higurashi to "numb" and "slightly drunk off NYQUIL."  
  
Kagome logically realized her mother, a traditionalist of her own invention, would not exactly be complying to the idea of in vitro fertilization, but decided to ignore it because, after all, ignorance was bliss and letting her mother catch onto the idea that she may have a social IQ greater than 30 was counterproductive to her happily independent single mother scenario.  
  
She was going to have a baby, and that was all that mattered.  
  
"Well, Mom," Kagome said two minutes later, "This has been a lovely visit. We should do it more often. I'm going to leave now, so try not to have any sugar or fruit unless you really feel it would prevent you from having a conniption. The mailman hasn't been in today, so your Tokyo Living won't be in, but that's okay, because there's a special on the cooking channel dedicated to oden. You know how much I like oden! It'll be so much fun when we get together when I get those cravi--"  
  
Kagome sprinted for the car as her mother's wails resounded through the neighborhood, angering a few strays and a pizza delivery boy.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"She's not taking it well, Sango."  
  
"I could have told you that."  
  
"Yes, well, having babies are supposed to be a happy thing. I even told her about the IY guy and how much we have in common and--"  
  
"She started crying?"  
  
Kagome looked up at Sango, bewildered, "Why, yes!"  
  
"And then, you started discussing cravings and baby names and she started chopping onions to make it seem like her sudden hysterics were because of those?"  
  
"Yes! How did you know?"  
  
"BECAUSE IT'S THE EIGHTH TIME TODAY I'VE HEARD ABOUT IT AND--"  
  
Kagome grasped Sango's hand, partially to comfort her and partially to assure the other members of the seaside café they were in that Sango was indeed publicly supervised and it was safe for their children to feed pigeons without a lunatic in taijya uniform jumping out of a nearby bush and yelling "Boo!"  
  
Sango gave the secretive nod all women give during a monthly. Kagome was more so oblivious than usual and handed her a Bean-O.  
  
Sango stared at the tablet in awe of her friend's...well...what was it about Kagome...while Kagome went to get another packet of soy sauce. Sango was interrupted in her musings by a melodious and deplorable voice.  
  
"Why, hello again, Sango my dear..."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Inuyasha never considered himself a cynic and like most cynics, he considered himself a realist who knew, in fact, that the entire universe had been specially created for the sole purpose of pissing him off.  
  
Yes, it was Sesshoumaru...again.  
  
Inuyasha had trouble believing it. There was no way a man of Sesshoumaru's caliber, one minute as bouncy as a cheerleader with new implants, and the next minute as stoic as his father after a particularly long bath (the clan of Inutashio maintained certain dog like qualities—hatred for bathing, cats, and car bumpers) was actually functioning as a normal human being in the workforce. The man cheerfully welcomed his clients (who, for some reason, were always remarkably young women wanting to divorce unthinkably geriatric men) and then did a 180 when Microsoft Word took more than ten seconds to load.  
  
Oh, well, Inuyasha thought hurriedly, perhaps that wasn't exactly what ticked him off. I mean, I didn't exactly—okay, so I did—know that French Vanilla made him break out into melon-sized hives...and...and...why does he have the stuff anyways?  
  
Later on, as Inuyasha sat terrified under the castigating glare of his father, he found out that Sesshoumaru's personal secretary, Rin, had a fetish for French Vanilla and his brother, to please her, had bought them in numerous factory-sized boxes. Inuyasha allowed himself a small grin. Idiot.  
  
He needed to get out and pound the crap out of Miroku, who put him in this position in the first place.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Inuyasha did not understand how the "sonuvabitch lecherous decrepit excrement of manhood" had managed it, but he had both pacified the hanyou and gotten him to go into a public café.  
  
It was suspicious, and seeing the way Miroku was heading towards a rather depressed looking young woman, it began to make sense.  
  
Not wanting to be associated as the accomplice of a public groper, Inuyasha inconspicuously headed towards the condiment table—  
  
--where the world just fucked him over again.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Kagome was a pregnant woman. Logically, she would be allowed into the front of the line for soy sauce. Assuming the world knew of her condition, she walked aggressively forward—  
  
--and went slamming like a catapulted walrus that had mercifully met its destination against Inuyasha—  
  
--who, being larger than her, despite her early stages of pregnancy, did not fall, but instead acted like a hardwood trampoline from which she practically bounced and landed semi-conscious against a wall—  
  
--which was when Sango decided to scream.  
  
"OH MY GOD! DID IT HURT THE BABY, KAGOME?!" And, being an experienced man of trouble, Inuyasha knew he was knee deep in it. 


	6. Chapter 6

@)~~~~  
  
"And so, Inuyasha, you and this court of law meet again...not in the greatest of circumstances, but--"  
  
"Miroku, you sorry sonuv--"  
  
"Ah-ah-ah, Inuyasha! Such language will not be tolerated in my court and ESPECIALLY not in the presence of such beauty," Miroku took the liberty to wink at Sango who flipped him off, "and may I remind you, you are here again on charge of assault to not only a woman, but a pregnant woman, a pregnant woman with a friend whose curves could knock professional race car drivers off their co--"  
  
He was abruptly cut off with a folder to the cranium.  
  
"And as Miss Sango here silently points out, we have a case to attend to. Inuyasha, your criminal record and past history with women leads me to believe you are incapable of properly repaying your debt to society in a prison, so I have decided to make an experimental service suggestion."  
  
Inuyasha silently allowed Miroku's verdict to sink in and slowly translated it into simple language. He responded:  
  
"Say what?"  
  
"You and Miss Kagome here shall be spending the next nine months of her pregnancy together. You, more or less, shall be at her constant command regarding the child you've probably permanently damaged." At this point, the author wishes to introduce Kagome, who was trembling slightly, switching looks of hateful passion between Inuyasha and Miroku, lost in thought when staring at her stomach, and finally, after finding out the silver-haired lunatic was going to play the ex-convict father figure, she burst into tears. Sango handed her a Kleenex and turned to Miroku.  
  
"You raving idiot! He's a criminal more or less! He pretty much knocked her senseless at a condiment bar for god's sake! A *CONDIMENT* bar! That's a sure sign of a diseased mind!"  
  
Inuyasha hadn't really considered Sango much of a human being from the start of this, and judging by the withering glare he gave her, she was down on the list with car bumpers and soapy baths.  
  
Miroku attempted to placate her, "Well, he's not really such a bad guy. The last time was a giant misunderstanding--"  
  
"AND YOU STILL SENT ME TO JAIL, YOU BASTARD!!!"  
  
"—and I assure you Miss Kagome here shall be in the safest and most efficient of company during her nine months. If anything happens, this court of law will not fail to immediately prosecute Inuyasha in a harsher method and she will be reimbursed for any problems involving Inuyasha."  
  
"But *I* don't want to spend my pregnancy with him! This was an independent decision! I'm going to raise this child on my own!"  
  
And, like the clichéd moment of hysteric drama that it was, Mrs. Higurashi burst through the twin oak doors, like a cherry patterned hurricane in a ruinous desert, her floppy straw hat and matching driving gloves setting off an inborn nostalgia in the group, excluding Kagome, for a Happy Day's Marathon.  
  
"Your honor!" Her saccharine voice put Miroku on edge. He knew whichever side she picked, his or everyone else, would be a guaranteed winner.  
  
"Y-yes, madam?"  
  
"That was an excellent verdict. I am sure your mother is very proud to have raised such a well-meaning lad. Have a fudge pasty," Mrs. Higurashi smiled, handing him a tray of perfectly crafted baked goods.  
  
"Yes ma'am!" Miroku realized he had won.  
  
Mrs. Higurashi flamboyantly turned to Kagome, who began wondering if it was even kind to expose her unborn child to this life.  
  
"He's an extremely handsome boy, Kagome."  
  
"Yes, Mom." Kagome replied, automatically, obediently, and most importantly, fearfully.  
  
"A computer engineer, is that right?"  
  
Inuyasha nodded, blushing, "Yes ma'am."  
  
"From that wonderful inuyoukai clan. All professionals they are!" Mrs. Higurashi clapped her hands together in delight, "Does Sesshoumaru still have that adorable little law firm downtown?"  
  
Inuyasha nodded dutifully, too petrified to growl at the mention of his brother's name.  
  
"This will be simply wonderful! Our Kagome," Mrs. Higurashi vaguely flitted her hand in her daughter's direction, "is descended from a very powerful miko, Midoriko," she winked, "I wonder if you've heard of her. Oh, but this time will be simply wonderful. You two should have dinner. Tonight. In fact, why don't you just move i--"  
  
This was Kagome's last straw.  
  
"MOM! I barely know him!"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi was expecting an outburst. She had baked fudge pasties, after all. She artfully slowed the atmosphere in the room and turned to her daughter, her lower lip trembling.  
  
"Honey...."  
  
Kagome looked for a spot behind her mother's head to glare at. Never look straight into her eyes, she reminded herself. She looked at Sango, Miroku, and Inuyasha, whose heads were bent forward, entranced by Mrs. Higurashi.  
  
They'll agree with everything she says, Kagome thought desperately, how do I get out of this?  
  
She looked at Inuyasha and decided he was good looking—in that criminal type of way. Well, no, not exactly. He was...she groped for a word...manly, she supposed. Silver hair was strange, but it didn't make him look old. His face was a chiseled oval of tan skin, coming to a close at...lips, she guessed. Kissable was too intimate a word for a guy she had just met. And his eyes...were yellow? They seemed to be searching for something...not from her or her mother...but from life in general...and were darkened by the thick eyebrows that beetled into a genuine frown. She'd probably have to fix that if they were going to end up living together.  
  
Oh, but he had dog ears. She could forgive him everything else if she had those dog ears all to herself.  
  
She vaguely recalled her mother saying something.  
  
"—and how can you say you barely know Mr. Inuyasha here when you barely know the father of your own child! And don't think I didn't try and stop y- ooouuu!" Mrs. Higurashi's words ended in a wail that broke the general awe of her and made everyone either uncomfortable or upset at Kagome.  
  
Inuyasha was both.  
  
She's...a slut? She doesn't look like one.... Inuyasha glanced at Kagome and almost went into a cardiac arrest.  
  
'She looks like Kikyo! Oh god, why me? Why?' Inuyasha was certain that there were people worse than him in the world. Sesshoumaru, for a start.  
  
He decided it would be a good time to say something.  
  
"What do you mean, 'you barely know the father of your own child'? Are you some kind of--"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi was tactful enough to make erratic hand gestures and yell 'NO!' multiple times.  
  
"It's nothing like that, Mr. Inuyasha!" Mrs. Higurashi hurriedly explained, "Kagome went through that...that...in-in-vierno...erm."  
  
"In vitro fertilization, Mom."  
  
"Oh indeed! And suddenly, she's having a test-tube baby! I ask you, girls these days! She wanted a baby and no father at all! I personally blame her grandfather for traumatizing her with all those lint bedtime stories...." Mrs. Higurashi trailed off into her own thoughts.  
  
Inuyasha and Kagome uncomfortably stared in different directions, realizing speaking would cause an all out warfare and probably, with Inuyasha's luck, another lawsuit.  
  
"Okay." Kagome said at last.  
  
"Fine," piped Inuyasha, who decided someone who had to live with Mrs. Higurashi probably couldn't be exactly like Kikyo.  
  
"This probably means I'll be seeing more of you, Miss Sango," Miroku said, leering, "As we are the best friends of the expectant parents...."  
  
Sango grabbed Kagome's box of Kleenex and buried her face into a soft fold, sobbing.  
  
"But don't expect me to like it!" They said at the same time, ironically, cornily, and unfortunately for their blossoming relationship.  
  
They glared at each other. Let the child management begin.  
  
@)~~~~ 


	7. Chapter 7

@)~~~~  
  
"So, wench, this is where you come to finally hide your ugly mug from the world?"  
  
Kagome's teeth clenched. She could not BELIEVE he had to live with her....  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Flashback...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Mrs. Higurashi smiled beatifically after Miroku's verdict was finalized and they all—ALL—went out for coffee.  
  
"Your honor, you're a very bright young lad." Mrs. Higurashi said, daintily stirring creamer into her French Vanilla.  
  
Miroku blushed and hid his face behind his ceramic mug.  
  
"I think for young Inuyasha here to fully be able to help Kagome, he should be closer at hand, don't you?"  
  
Miroku colored again and nodded, never having experienced motherly pampering...just an occasional sake or playboy from his godfather, Mushin...but this wasn't half bad either....  
  
Kagome knew a ploy in the making. THIS was a ploy in the making.  
  
"Inuyasha lives two blocks from me, don't you, Inuyasha? Right, Inuyasha? You could be at my place ANY TIME you wanted, right Inuyasha?" Kagome strained each "Inuyasha" in a meaningful manner and put another spoon of sugar into her steaming Kona.  
  
"Um...." Inuyasha was a bit perturbed the Kagome girl knew where he lived...but he was never quite quick to catch on, "Where exactly do you live again?"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi also knew a ploy in the making. THIS was a ploy in the making—one she fully intended to stop.  
  
"There you have it! Kagome has a guest bedroom she uses for her little music hobby. It's just the right size for a strapping young boy!"  
  
"Mommmyyyyy," Kagome whined as a last resort, "I was going to make it the BABY'S room."  
  
"Oh, well, then," said Mrs. Higurashi, never missing a beat, "Then Inuyasha can share your room."  
  
"WE NEVER AGREED ON LIVING TOGETHER!" Kagome shrieked, gaining Sango's attention from Miroku's hand and her mace.  
  
"But the court DEFINITELY agrees, doesn't it, your honor?" Mrs. Higurashi found her trump card. Miroku knew a ploy when he...ah, screw it. This would be TOO funny.  
  
"Inuyasha, not only will the court hold you in contempt...but it'll be another ten years in prison...with Jakotsu...who I hear has started a talent sho--"  
  
By now, Inuyasha had stood up, grabbed Kagome by the shirtsleeve and stormed out of the coffee house.  
  
"Feh, wench," she heard him say, "You better have HBO."  
  
@)~~~~  
  
End of flashback...  
  
@)~~~~  
  
"This is my apartment, Inuyasha. Over there is your room, the kitchen is here—if you have urges to drink from the carton, just ask, and I'm sure you can share a dish with Buyo—living room, and bathroom. I put a tree in your bedroom, just in case some primal inclination caused you to be dumber than usual. Hold one moment."  
  
And with that, Kagome rushed into the bathroom to vomit. She couldn't understand what was going on. It was supposed to be MORNING sickness, not "Late Afternoon With Mr. Incorrigible Bastard Smirking In the Next Room" sickness.  
  
When she came out, having emptied the contents of her stomach into what Inuyasha came to know as "plumbing", he looked half dead on the floor. Entranced by his spinning yellow eyes, she kicked him.  
  
"You idiot! It's not that bad! Are you always this melodramatic?!"  
  
"I'm half dog demon! Say it with me! D-O-G demon! What part of that makes you think even a light deodorant won't cause me to have a coma?! Speaking of which, you should probably lose Soft and Dry and try Old Spice...even Sesshoumaru is more bearable than--"  
  
Kagome beat him over the head with her Mother Care book and sat down to read, using the hanyou's head as a footrest.  
  
"Hmm," Kagome read aloud, making sure her voice was irritable to the overly- sensitive thing at her feet, "Symptoms of Pregnancy...are you listening to this, Inuyasha?" there was a grunt in response, "No period! That's a relief!" Kagome thought she heard a gagging sound, "'feeling' pregnant...okay, weird...nausea and vomiting...god, do I know that...soreness and enlargement of the breasts...hmmm...maybe I'm not noticing...do I--"  
  
Kagome looked down towards her chest to see if there would be any reason for pain and enlargement and a blushing Inuyasha knocked her feet over.  
  
"MUST you talk about THAT while I'm in the room?!?!" He panted, unsure whether it was him or her at fault.  
  
"Well, I JUST wanted to have a good idea of what the next nine months would be like!"  
  
"Feh, you get knocked up, your stomach swells, and you let out a kid! It's not astrophysics!"  
  
"Big words from a stupid brain, Inuyasha!"  
  
"Why you--!" Alas, she had hit him again.  
  
"Mood swings! Fancy that!"  
  
@)~~~~  
  
Sango knew calling Kagome when an undesirable visitor was at her house was not the best way to remove her stress, as Kagome would be in a mental situation mirroring her own, but she had to let it out somehow.  
  
She tried screaming, but the neighbors complained.  
  
She read bedtime stories from when she was five, listened to soothing music, took several baths, tried taking a nap but Kirara wanted to be fed every time she neared a REM cycle, and now she was counting clouds.  
  
There was one. It was big and amorphous and reminded her of her inner turmoil regarding the judge, who just happened to be of the peaceful, non- violent Buddhist religion and a sex maniac.  
  
Her bell rang. It could have been Kagome. It could have been Kohaku. Mrs. Higurashi. Heck, even Inuyasha. Her landlord. The paperboy. The pool boy—who CARES if she lived in an apartment??  
  
But no. It was Miroku. He had flowers, chocolate, and a lecherous grin.  
  
She slammed the door in his face and felt a trace of guilt at a cracking sound. Five minutes later, remembering the fate of Inuyasha, she opened it to find him unscathed except for his finger, which was turning large and purple.  
  
She asked him what the fuck he wanted. His eyebrows went up and down at the mention of fuck, so she took the chocolate and closed the door even harder on the foot he had squeezed into the door.  
  
This time, the pain was enough to make him double up, but not enough to stop the smile—the smile with the perfectly aligned teeth, perpetually upturned corner, smooth brown lips, and slightly slanted eyes that shone like twin stars of perversion and lit up her dismal doorway.  
  
She wanted to knock his bloody gums out.  
  
At last he spoke.  
  
"Sango, I was wondering--"  
  
"No."  
  
"—if you would accompany me--"  
  
"No."  
  
"—to the new residence of the happy parents."  
  
"N-why?"  
  
Miroku's smile, if possible, increased by twenty watts.  
  
"Why, to congratulate them!"  
  
"Don't you value your life? There's probably a knife fight going on in there!"  
  
"All the better for us to intervene, my dear. Who else in the world do they trust more than us?"  
  
"Um..." Sango knew Inuyasha had a bit of a...pure, unstoppable, extreme hatred for the supposed "best friend" who put his work in front of their friendship...and DID want to see the lecher's face squashed in.  
  
"Okay." Sango conceded.  
  
@)~~~~  
  
They found them with Kagome reading from a little yellow book and Inuyasha covering his ears with pillows.  
  
"...swollen ankles, unnatural cravings, fatigue, increased urination--" Kagome stopped as if she realized something, "...I HAVE TO PEE!"  
  
"God! Announce it to the damn world! I'll just be here with my EXTRA SENSITIVE HEARING and...and..." Inuyasha looked as tearful as a hanyou could look tearful, "DIE! That's what I'll do...DIE!" He looked over and saw Miroku enter with a fearful Sango.  
  
"But I'm taking the monk with me!" He lunged at Miroku, only to stop when the latter hit him over the head with a religious looking wooden staff.  
  
"Hallo, Inuyasha. Good day for a visit, isn't it?" Miroku asked jovially. Sango was finding something to do in the corner. There was always something to do in the corner.  
  
"Bastard."  
  
"I was thinking, 'Why not visit my favorite daddy, Inuyasha?' So I decided to stop by with the lovely Miss Sango."  
  
"Eat shit and die," Inuyasha and Sango replied simultaneously.  
  
"And I see you are becoming settled with Miss Kagome...ah, here she comes now...a little sore are we, milady?"  
  
Kagome thought Miroku was charming and that Sango needed to get laid. Desperately.  
  
"A little, Miroku, thank you for asking. Could you possibly help me with this footrest? I feel so tired and at least YOU'RE," she looked at Inuyasha accusingly, "chivalrous enough realize the hard work involved with a pregnancy."  
  
Before Inuyasha could retaliate, reality hit Sango and hit her hard. Her tongue started working of its own accord.  
  
"Probably because he's caused so many...how many goat farms HAVE banned you, Houshi?"  
  
Miroku's smile remained. Sango felt a tick coming on. She left it to Inuyasha to fill the conversation with negativity because all she could think of was a large bludgeon.  
  
"What the hell do you mean CHIVALROUS, wench?!"  
  
"GUESS, stupid!"  
  
"You know, I really can't imagine why you two don't get along. I mean, parenting is a stressful--"  
  
By now, even Kagome was starting to find the smile unnerving and made a silent pact with Inuyasha and Sango.  
  
"The breeze up here is lovely, Lady Kagome," Miroku said, oblivious to three dark figures nearing his sunny stature, "You must have—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
As Miroku dangled from the balcony, even Kagome agreed with the other two that a scream of terror had never sounded so melodious.  
  
@)~~~~ 


	8. Chapter 8

Hi!  
  
I know I haven't said much other than the standard disclaimer in Chapter 1 (which still applies) but I think I wanted to get to know my reviewers for a bit.  
  
First of all, I appreciate and honestly love (flame or not) every single review I get. I feel 'read' if that makes any sense at all.  
  
Secondly, I try to review back...if I have anything bright to say - -;;...and do honestly try to read each of your stories (and for the large grand scale of the ones I have been able to read, I love your writing! Keep it up! I'm sure you geniuses know who you are!)  
  
Thirdly, I didn't really comment back here because when I put my personal opinions, written as inoffensively as humanly possible (or so I think) in my Ranma ½ fanfiction "The Akane Story" AN (which is either on hiatus or discontinued depending on my wounded rage) I realized that somehow my fanfic there attracted some weird hybrid anime otakus that believed in blood sucking and idiotic riffraff that frankly would be better situated up their ass.  
  
Fourthly, I have grown to trust you all not to be pillocks. So I'm continuing this fiction whether or not I get lots of reviews or little...because here in the Inuyasha world, fanfiction is polite!...I'm guessing...unless of course there's some kind of gigantic blatantly evil anti- anime fic...then I can see how there would be battle scars....  
  
I tried to make this chapter longer than most for you wonderful people! Please enjoy!  
  
...  
  
And no offense to the color yellow. Personally, I find it quite helpful in illustration of our nation's children's books and Crayola.  
  
)  
  
Mrs. Higurashi thoughtfully stirred her lemon tea while appreciating the summer rainfall gliding down her windowpane. Sure, the pie was soaked and Souta didn't exactly look thrilled with his dessert being spoiled, but she had just finished a rather successful chat with her soon-to-be-un- delinquent daughter.  
  
)  
  
Flashback...  
  
)  
  
Kagome picked up another pair of mismatched socks with a bone insignia and swore to strangle Inuyasha with his own guts when he returned.  
  
'Damn that inconsiderate son of a...' she stopped her trail of thought when she realized how accurate they would be. Huffily, she sat on the sofa.  
  
'It's been three weeks. Aside from this pregnancy, it's been non-stop at work, then grocery shopping for two, then house cleaning, and now...it's as if I've hardly had time to think about this little guy...' Kagome looked down at her flat navel and sighed.  
  
'It's like nothing ever happened and I only managed to piss of the wrong god on the right day and end up with a man who thinks every woman is a tavern wench and he should be King of Upper Earth.'  
  
Then, the phone rang and Kagome was jolted out of her thoughts with an unexpected and irritating wail of a guitar that sounded like a radioactive cat beaten with numerous blunt objects.  
  
'That fuckhole changed my ringtone! MY ringtone! It's as if he wants to be neutered!'  
  
She picked up the phone and uttered patiently through clenched teeth.  
  
"Higurashi residence. Higurashi Kagome speaking."  
  
"Why hello, sweetums!" came Mrs. Higurashi's carefully planned amiable- elder-mother-who-bakes-a-lot voice over the phone.  
  
"Hullo."  
  
"Why didn't Inuyasha pick up?"  
  
Kagome wanted to scream. She was here, barely a few weeks pregnant feeling as if she should be nearing the end of her nine months RIGHT FREAKING NOW, becoming strangely attracted to the mail delivery boy (whistling when he bent over to pick up the Business edition after she threw it out her window for the fourth time), eating what felt like four times more than the normal amount for a person eating for two, living with a humanized Cujo who thought Calvin and Hobbes was the most hysterical thing on earth...and now her mother wants to know why he didn't possess immediate control over the phone.  
  
If he were here, Kagome thought evilly, Mommy would know because groans of pain beyond mortal comprehension would be drowning out any possible sound. As an afterthought she added: And then, I'll skewer the bastard.  
  
"Inuyasha's at work. He works, Mom. So do I. Aren't you going to ask why I'm not at work?"  
  
"Well, you're very busy too, honey. Tell me, what plans have you made?"  
  
"Regarding what?"  
  
"Regarding baby shopping, medications, a pediatrician, what classical prenatal musical exposure you plan to use, what Inuyasha's condom size is, color themes, a baby shower date, C-section or midwife, a romantic candlelight dinner in bed, baby names done CORRECTLY this time for Christ's sake, and honey, you know you can really enjoy men for a few more weeks before--"  
  
"STOP!"  
  
Mrs. Higurashi conceded to defeat as she delicately hung up on Kagome's intermittent screams and incoherent babbling (more to herself than anyone else).  
  
)  
  
End of flashback...  
  
)  
  
Kagome stood on the other end of the phone, switching bodily reactions between twitching and eating.  
  
She would have to spend time with Inuyasha, or the sentence would be extended...that is, if her mother had anything to do with it.  
  
She would have to get along with Inuyasha...if her mother was present.  
  
She would be doomed to Inuyasha...as long as her mother was present in this existence.  
  
She decided to call Inuyasha for a good scream.  
  
)  
  
"Inuyasha, did I have any messages?" Sesshomaru asked importantly from behind a large stack of papers that probably weren't half as important as he liked Inuyasha to think they were.  
  
"Only one."  
  
"Really? Who from?"  
  
"Are you familiar with the name Hugh Hefner?"  
  
Sesshomaru lifted one immaculately sculpted eyebrow and then dropped his falsely stoic gaze (in Inuyasha's mind) to sweep the fine print on a document. "Commercially."  
  
"Are you sure about that?"  
  
Sesshomaru paled slightly. He was actually paling in a mild fury, as Inuyasha's homosexual innuendos involving him and several celebrities and several not-so celebrities, which involved Miroku coming into his office half in tears and half in rage, soon became the talk of the office building. This seemed to be another one of those. Sesshomaru gripped the Tenseiga with a silent prayer that the demonic sword would actually consider working like a proper sword and slice the bugger's nuts off.  
  
"Ye-es," he ground out evenly.  
  
"Because you missed your photo shoot for Miss April!" squealed Inuyasha (in the manliest way possible) and fled.  
  
Sesshomaru left early that day, complaining of an upset stomach.  
  
)  
  
Once outside, Inuyasha decided to screw returning to the building and taking beatings and went to find somewhere to eat.  
  
Of course, legally, he should have called Kagome and used all of his spare time (this being his spare time) to morally assist her in her pregnancy but he figured women have been giving birth for eons while men were out doing...manly things...so this should be in her blood.  
  
He neared WacDonald's when his Pound Puppy themed cell phone rang. That bitch had fucked with his ringtone. It was as if she wanted to be killed mercilessly in demon warfare.  
  
"Hello," he barked into the phone. "Inuyasha, this is Kagome."  
  
"Oh, having the nerve to call me AFTER you changed m--"  
  
"Save it, stupid. You've been here for a few weeks and we have done absolutely nothing for my expected child. I know you're not working--"  
  
"And how the fuck is that, you stalker?"  
  
"Because, you see, my dear Inuyasha. Some of us become very tired with our routine life, so we call off any obligation for the day and decide to take a vengeful walk around the city in search of the civil slave who should be at home serving their every need instead of 900 calories fatter from the local WacDonald's. Some of us are fortunate enough to find the skiving bastard and STAND RIGHT BEHIND THEM, YELLING INTO THEIR EAR!" she finished, in his ear.  
  
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow OW! WENCH! Why did you--" Inuyasha was cut off as a bread roll was shoved into his mouth.  
  
"You're hungry? Eat and shut up. We're going shopping." Kagome huffily walked off, patting herself on the back.  
  
Inuyasha blushed and ran after her.  
  
"That's a...nice skirt you're wearing, Kagome," he muttered.  
  
"Thanks" she responded indifferently.  
  
"Does it seem draftier than normal?"  
  
"How so?"  
  
Kagome gasped when she felt a quick pull near her bottom and a soft scraping of satin against her upper calves.  
  
"Because it was caught in your 'Hello Kitty!' panties," he smiled rakishly and ran for the nearest baby store, leaving Kagome stuttering and flipping off the hormonal males in the vicinity.  
  
)  
  
"Welcome to Heaven's Helpers baby store! We simply live to make your little one's appearance into life a memorable and tastefully decorated experience! Now what color are you interested in?" bubbled the auburn haired middle- aged woman behind the counter. She wore a ducky hat.  
  
"Puke green," bit out Inuyasha before Kagome had a chance to respond.  
  
The woman's smile remained frozen and her eyes darted to Kagome for translation.  
  
"We want something unisex," Kagome said cheerfully, ramming her elbow into Inuyasha's abdomen.  
  
"Hmm...well, traditionally, blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Really, if you think about it, any color could be unisex...you could even try pink for boys...."  
  
"Which explains Sesshomaru..." Inuyasha muttered darkly, his words trailing off into Kagome's mindset as an insult—never mind to whom. She hit him again.  
  
"I was thinking about...yellow..." Kagome's eyes trailed to a sunshine and meadow themed area of the store with a nostalgia for the fields in the country she visited with her family when she herself was a little girl...with baby booties....  
  
"YELLOW?!" screeched Inuyasha.  
  
Kagome and the sales clerk abruptly turned to face him.  
  
"You may as well buy the kid hiking boots and a plaid shirt and set it to grow up as a Twister champion...there is NO color as mentally destructive as...YELLOW!!!  
  
"That would explain you, Inuyasha," snapped Kagome and turned to the woman who was eyeing Inuyasha with a thoughtful expression.  
  
"Your husband doesn't seem emotionally prepared to have his child."  
  
"IT'S NOT HIS CHILD!" and "LIKE HELL I WOULD BE CAUGHT IN A BED WITH THAT RINGTONE SCREWING WENCH!" came abruptly in response.  
  
The sales clerk held her hand to her chest. Kagome thought it was a bad sign that her skin was turning purple and she was breathing slowly and heavily and her eyes were darting between Kagome and Inuyasha and she was muttering phrases about 'indecency' and 'how dare they!' but Inuyasha had seen enough of it in his father to know she needed a good smack on the back.  
  
He gave her a good smack on the back. She fell to the floor, unmoving.  
  
A Good Samaritan probably would have helped her. Kagome and Inuyasha were isolated worshippers of the Shinto religion, born and bred in Japan, and wouldn't know a Good Samaritan, or it's significance, if he or she had walked up and beaten them senseless with a brick. A Samaritan who did that would probably have been a regular Samaritan or personage of some American inner city, but they wouldn't have understood that either.  
  
They left, because it seemed the sensible thing to do and Inuyasha assured Kagome that she would come to because his father, a full blooded demon youkai of unimaginable power, always did.  
  
When Kagome was calm enough to think straight, she screamed at Inuyasha.  
  
"YOU IDIOT! We can NEVER go back there again! That was the greatest baby store in the entire Tokyo district!"  
  
"There're others!" Inuyasha lamely replied.  
  
"It's incredible! Is there truly some kind of underlying current of idiocy in our country's justice system--"  
  
"If you're referring to Miroku, I think you may be ri--"  
  
"—or some divine conspiracy made against me because I fed Buyo too many custard pies out of sick childhood desperation that wants to make my own birthing process--"  
  
"You fed your cat custard pies?! You DEMON!" Inuyasha attempted to rage back.  
  
"—a freaking nightmare with YOU easily the only person in the entire world who could have crashed into me in a fast food line. You shouldn't be in public unsupervised--" "Evidently, you haven't met my brother...." Inuyasha was finding a hysterical pregnant woman something far more terrifying than any full-blooded demon force.  
  
"—unless by a team of ruthless, blood-sucking, bone-crunching, sub- humanoids bent on destroying absolute DUDDLE-HEADS like YOU--"  
  
"Duddle-heads?" Inuyasha was ushering the paralyzed-in-hellish-fury Kagome to a deserted corner of Tokyo for a less humiliating place to be verbally slaughtered.  
  
"—and I? I'm NEVER EVER going to have a normal child with YOU thinking that a bottle should have little feudal forts built in it so YOU can sell it on e-bay--"  
  
"It was only one! Your mom sent them in bulk! Don't you want some extra cash for...for...," he fumbled for words, "...baby booties?..."  
  
That was the last straw for Kagome. She burst into tears and buried her head in his shirt.  
  
"B-hic-baby booties," she sniffed into his rapidly dampening Polo, "that's what started all this...."  
  
Inuyasha knew he'd have to act extra cranky to her to make up for this rather private moment, but reveled in the feeling of not being killed...and some unknown fragrance that seemed to ascend from her...he suddenly felt very calm rubbing her back....  
  
...until she wiped her nose on his blazer.  
  
) 


	9. Chapter 9

It's been a long time, dear readers. I profusely apologize...I mean, really I do. I would write the word "sorry" repeatedly, but that would show how many times I've been hit over the head by a pillow filled with tinker toys by my sister and her evil friends from the nether regions of space.

I got into medical school and for that reason I'm suddenly managing a project to create a health franchise. I can't vote yet, but I've already been dragged into it with three months worth of paperwork, in addition to moving into my new house, getting my books, my shots, and hopefully a pension by the time I'm 28. Damn them all.

Well, I was inspired while I was away (I was away...did I mention that?) and have now decided to continue a fanfic whose outline lies in a paper I wrote about the dictator of China and Fidel Castro...the human mind is an enigma...I hear about blood and social revolution and I start thinking of all the times my mother was pregnant (twice from my memory...I can't really include myself) and suddenly Inuyasha comes to mind....

Off I go! By the way, the spacing here's on crack...I hope you can follow this somehow.

Kagome thumbed tearfully of the pages of _Going It Alone_, the single woman's guide to raising a baby, while Inuyasha stared at the back of the glossy pink cover with slitted eyes. Alone? He was right here.

"Are you still mad about the baby store?"

Kagome flipped him off and turned the page, stifling sobs about the story of Jacquelyn and her evil, demented, skirt-chasing, minimum wage, dog demon nuthouse partn—no wait, that was her. She was crying at herself.

Inuyasha realized the law would have expected him to comfort her at this point, but male instincts outweighed the Japanese legal system and he sank back into the couch, his ears flattened on his head—partly out of feeling shame without knowing why and partly because he was bored.

Suddenly, for a woman slowly turning into a funhouse mirror (Inuyasha snickered at his own thoughts), she jumped up quite quickly and declared:

"I have it! The internet!"

"That's already been invented, Kagome, and I can assure you, it has very little to do with the actual parenting as much as it has to do with the process--"

Her confused look quickly turned to an eye squinting, nose crinkling look of "ewwww".

Inuyasha knew when to shut up and followed her into her study.

Miroku realized, that, at the end of his rope, at the end of his mass supply of pick up lines, when Sango finally buys clothing made from 22% titanium strategically placed in the areas of her body that his hands loved to visit the most, near the edge of a relationship where she was about to fling out a restraining order, he would have to resort to what he considered the big guns:

Sensitivity to a mutual interest. In their case, Kagome and Inuyasha's Mrs. Higurashi-Induced-Relationship-From-The-Mouth-Of-Hell. They were also having a baby, which was probably psychologically ill-advised.

"Inuyasha's really not a bad guy," he began.

"That's the fortieth time in the past hour and a half you've been trying to start that conversation with me and this will be the fortieth time I'm telling you that it's a load of crap. It's because of him I'm stuck with you, anyway."

"Well, I have no other friends. Anyway, you shouldn't really be so judgmental about Inuyasha. Sure, he's possibly homicidal, insane within an inch of hospitalization, photo shops gay pornography with his brother in it and sells it on the internet, has never had a stable relationship...," Miroku registered Sango's expression, "...but there's a great reason for it! A superb reason!"

"He's the son of a rampaging dog demon who feasted upon the entrails of our ancestors to secure his power as the most evil of taiyoukai across the universe?"

"Nope. He once lost a testicle in a firecracker accident." It took Miroku a full half second to realize what flew out of his mouth.

Sango's look of incredulity turned to horror as she leaped for the phone. Miroku took the opportunity to grab her in a way that would be a cross between spooning and a full nelson.

"You can't tell Kagome! It would destroy her even more! And Inuyasha! If he isn't bad now, he'll be worse once his secret is out." He was wondering why he was playing this up. Perhaps because it was hilarious in a jackass sort of way and he would be in Costa Rica (with Sango hopefully) once Inuyasha found out.

"You're right. But we should go over there in case he breaks into some kind of abnormal emotional hysterics."

"Indeed, dear Sango, let me get our jackets," Miroku aided the rambling Sango to the door.

"No wonder he seems to be so violent towards Kagome...I mean, he must be horrible to all pregnant women who were obviously with very fertile men...with both their nuts! Imagine! It's like I understand Inuyasha for the first time!"

"Me too, Sango, me too." And they left.

"I'm only in my first trimester Inuyasha, so this will be the last time for the rest of the nine months I'll be slightly more rational than you. We're going to take advantage of this by getting all the shopping done."

Inuyasha opened his mouth just long enough for Kagome to realize what she had set up for herself, so she pelted him in the stomach.

"Just sit here and nod if I ask you anything."

They made it through four minutes of baby clothes, Inuyasha noted with some nausea that it was yellow, before she stopped.

"I'm hungry."

"Again?! Wench, you could out-eat a starved wolf-demon in front of a flock of sheep!"

"Inuyaaashaaa," Inuyasha had secretly named this whining as Evil Female Manipulation Technique Four, Ear Abuse continued.

"All right, all right already...you women like a raw slab of beef, right?"

A two foot sandwich and a diet coke later, she considered the raw slab.

"But make sure it died a natural death, Inuyasha. I was basically a vegetarian before this baby."

"Do you consider a claw to the brain natural?"

Miroku and Sango walked the six blocks to Kagome and Inuyasha's apartment in silence.

"Think they'll be glad to see us?" Miroku asked.

"I think Kagome will be grateful...poor thing...all alone in there with a deranged man who her mother is convinced will make her truly happy...it's like a tragedy. Kagome's always been so soft spoken and--"

They reached the outside of the apartment where people had gathered, pressing their ears against the door.

"What's wrong with Hachi for a name?! Hachi would fit any child that came out of you!"

"You scum sucking bastard! Hachi's the name of Miroku's raccoon; don't think I don't know what you and your friends do to small furry animals!"

"What the hell are you talking about, you lumpy refuse of a human female? Raccoons are soft, you chicks like soft things!"

"This ISN'T what I had in mind when I wanted to pick out baby names! Now let's just go with Kenji and—"

"Kenji?! KENJI! That's the name of a balding old man!"

"He'll be born bald!"

"How do you know it'll be a HE? For all your feminism, didn't even occur to your our kid would be a girl?"

"How would you know that? You barely recognize me as a girl and since when is it OUR KI--"

The door flew open with a crash like an incoming Peace Corp army. That was a paradox. "Surprise Kagome! We're here to um...help you with children's names."

"Well, you're too late for that, I'm going BACK to looking for clothes." And she turned away in a huff to the monitor.

Inuyasha mouthed "help me" to Miroku, who eased Sango towards Kagome for moral support, and then dragged Inuyasha into the kitchen.

"She's insane!"

"She's pregnant."

"I can't do this...would she settle for my worth in money?"

"Inuyasha, fifteen cents won't give her the support pregnant women need at some level. Besides, she's getting used to you. She looks lonely when we're here in the apartment and you're still at work. She doesn't do any of this name picking and clothes shopping without you. It might really only be her baby and some stranger's from the sperm bank, but it's slowly turning into your baby. This is the time when the baby and the experience of having it is shared with the person who encompasses her life, husband or no husband. I even hear her call Sango "Inuyasha" whenever she's about to make an important decision." Miroku decided to put that down in his Little Book of Advice to Incompetent Morons.

"So now she mistakes me for a chick that lives for spandex?"

Miroku pinched his nose between his fingers until the blood subsided. "No, what I mean is...she may look like Kikyo, but she isn't Kikyo, and she won't ever be Kikyo and the only way you'll ever be jailed because of her is if you don't stay with her. Also, um, may you be plagued with the guilt of a thousand assassins for leaving a pregnant woman to fend for herself." Miroku figured he should sound somewhat monk-ish and occult if he wanted to get across to a feudal dog demon.

"Miroku," Inuyasha said after some contemplation, "Nothing could save a thousand assassins pitted against a pregnant woman."

In the next room, over Kagome's violent mouse clicking, Sango's heart softened.


	10. Chapter 10

It's been a while. I thought I'd give it another shot. Somehow I feel this one isn't as good as the previous ones, but I needed to write something in some manner. Feel free to criticize.

"It says here my uterus is the size of a grapefruit while my baby is the size of a cherry."

"So?"

"So it just made me hungry. Taco Bell. NOW."

"Uuuugh." Inuyasha wanted to explore her synapses. Fruit made her think of zesty meals and the mention of corn made her yearn for deep fried dishes. It happened at all the wrong times too….

3 am from the kitchen:

"Inuyasha, where's all the Easy Whip?"

"Whyyyy do you neeeeeeed itttt?"

"For my hamburger! Ye gods, must you be so insensitive!"

1 pm at work:

"Inuyasha, sir, you have a phone call."

"Thank you." He stupidly lifts the receiver.

"I've decided on yellow, Inuyasha."

"Mmkay."

"I just want an honest opinion, Inuyasha," Kagome's voice thickens with tears on the other end, "You don't have to be so indifferent and uncaring. Oh my god, you just made me want a Mallomaaaaaaaaarrr."

Click.

11:30 pm in the living room:

"Inuyasha, do I look fat to you?"

"Well, you're pregnant."

Tense silence.

"That didn't answer my question."

"Awuasdioufekles."

"You're mumbling, you yellow bastard."

"You're a little bigger than you were." Inuyasha blanched at his own attempt at sensitivity.

"A little! LOOK at me, I have no waistline! I used to be a size 3, people said I could have been a model, but I gave it up for an intellectual basis, for a stable career, for a baaaaaaaaaabbbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…." And Inuyasha would wonder why more men weren't gay.

She was nearing the second trimester. He felt these would forever be the longest nine months of his life. It shouldn't be him suffering through all this; he never willfully did anything to anyone in his life. Catastrophe followed him around like a lost puppy. Every morning he woke up hoping to come home with all his limbs. It should've been easier for him, really, he had demonic powers, an amazing body, enviable hair, sterling intellect, and modesty.

If there was any justice in the world, Miroku should suffer through all this. Inuyasha, breaking the male code of hormones, decided he, too, deserved to bitch at someone.

"Hi, it's Miroku!"

"HOUSHI! I will find you, shave your skin off and dip you in vinegar! This is entirely your fault—everything horrible that has ever happened to me since I was born is because of you! Even in the damned hospital, you managed to steal my damned binky and somehow felt up a damned nurse in the damned process getting me damned blamed somehow"

"…Hahaha, I bet you've been talking for the past two minutes and didn't realize that this is just my answering machine. Leave some love, ladies!" Beep.

"…Miroku, when you get this message, shove a lead pipe in your ass. Then get over here. I'm sick of it."

Kagome rolled over and wistfully stared at the freshly painted moons on the nursery ceiling. Something was growing within her, and it was definitely not the glowing spirit of motherhood. It was a multicellular organism, she had read, that at some point would develop synapses and organs and legs that would kick her from the inside, come out in a bloody placental mess, and start to emotionally beat her from the outside…as if the 9 months of getting cheap thrills from gullible pizza delivery boys who alluringly bent over at every given opportunity—_too_ many opportunities, she felt—weren't already destroying her. She was already reproducing, dammit, it was Darwinian…so why did she feel like she needed it more!

It was torture. Even Inuyasha was starting to look good with his demonic powers, amazing body, enviable hair, manipulative stupidity, and pig headedness. She always made sure to add at one bad adjective to her list so as not to jump him when he came home looking adorable with his amazing body, enviable hair, manipulative stupidity, pigheadedness, and bad breath.

Her musings were interrupted by the phone.

"Hello?"

"Kagome? It's Sango."

"Hi, I haven't heard from you in ages!"

"…We just saw each other yesterday. I spent the entire afternoon with Miroku. He wouldn't leave me alone. It was horrible."

"I'm sorry. I live with Inuyasha." With his amazing body, enviable hair, manipulative stupidity, pig headedness, bad breath, and habit of chewing with his mouth open.

"You win. Oh, that reminds me why I called! I found out something terrible about him, it may explain a lot of how he acts."

"Oh?" This was it. He was a serial killer, a sex fiend, a transvestite, a mime, an IRS agent, and/or something else extremely difficult as a roommate.

"He has one nut!"

"Yes, I finished all of those yesterday."

"No. I mean, he lost a testicle in a firecracker accident."

"……….."

"It was horrible. He was just a teenager too. During new years, his father sent him outside to entertain his cousins. He thought he was lighting a lady finger at a safe, professionally recommended distance…" Sango suppressed a sob, "…but he didn't realize how far they manage to zip…it was a 16,000 strip…he'll never have children! That entire line is now dependent on his older brother…" Sango waited for the shocked response from the other end.

"Wait, so a _lady finger_ tore off his _testicle_?" Kagome repeated to Sango with a trace of humor in her voice.

"Yes, why, Kagome, I thought you'd be more" Sango held the phone away from her ear to lessen the intensity of Kagome's howling hysterics.

"Oh my god, Sango, oh my god! No wonder he has to be so macho all the time! I'm having a baby from a test tube and he can't even…oh wow…oh man….I should, I should probably be more sensitive…."

"Ugh. You think, Kagome?"

"Can't I torture him a little bit?"

"No, it's emasculating."

"Damn straight it's emasculating! Finally, revenge for all the times he's called me fat and stared at me disconcertingly with those devilishly good looking eyes." Kagome's eyes widened in shock at the recent update of the Inuyasha adjectives.

"……."

"I have said too much, Sango."

"You have."

"I'm going to hang up now, and you will not mention this conversation to anyone."

"Will you torment Inuyasha?"

"Most likely."

"Then the world will know."

"…Why are we friends again?"

"Because one time, in the subway, you walked in with your skirt tucked into your underwear and I was the only one in the group who said anything, even though you didn't believe me, and I had to forcefully tug it down, making us the local favorite of subway pervs, yet saving you from further humiliation on the surface. Remember? It was a white ski"

"Oh yes, yes. I'm amazed you remember that."

"Well, I knew it would come in handy one day when I had to save some poor nutless hanyou from your sadistic feminist wrath."

"I'm going to hang up now, Sango."

"Bye."


	11. Chapter 11

Yes, it's been a while. I have a million explanations, but you know they're all going to lead me cyber-groveling and begging my devoted readers to take me back and massacre me to pieces with flames and whatnot. Love ya!

I had an outline. My computer blew up. I lost the damned outline and now I'm winging it. I am so sorry.

( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

Week 13. The first trimester was nearing its much needed end. Inuyasha had somehow come out unscathed, physically, and retained emotional scars that would have sent the most hard hearted of men into sobbing fits that demanded a truckload of tranquilizer and a group hug.

He didn't think it was really Kagome he lived with. It was surely the emblazoned spirit of vengeful motherhood setting up camp in her fragile, child-laden body making her do things no real sugar, spice, everything nice, et al. girly girl would ever dream of doing.

Rummaging through Kagome's personal belongings, hoping to find a self-destruct button, Inuyasha came across some childhood keepsakes and photos that depicted a cheerful, hopeful young girl who previously inhabited the sleep deprived, nauseatingly incontinent serpent woman who drank Pepto Bismol like it was the Elixir of Eternal Youth.

Kagome chasing Souta through the yard of the Higurashi shrine. Kagome's first date. Kagome's first paper mache volcano. Kagome's first paper mache volcanic flood. Kagome's first kitten, Buyo. Kagome's first obese feline with the district's record for mild heart attacks, Buyo. Kagome tying a bow around a stray puppy. Kagome smiling with friends and family during New Year's. Kagome baking for Valentine's Day.

Her smile could have charmed wood, he decided, and it kept him lingering around after her morning vomit sessions to pat her on the back and bask in the grateful glow of her exhausted eyes.

After all, he couldn't blame someone as loving as she was…somewhere behind all the craziness that had defined their meeting and their lives together, he knew love for all living things pushed her into this business of single motherhood.

And now, it was Week Thirteen. Project Mayhem (aka Kagome) was reaching a quiet lull, according to every pregnancy article, website, magazine, and blimp out there. The only thing he was really starting to fear, _really_ starting to fear was that something new would come up and put him in another female situation he would be much less than minimally adequately prepared for.

Perhaps he was being irrational?

( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

On the other side of town, with irrational fantasies that should have been more justly rational fears, Miroku felt lucky.

Four weeks ago, Sango had risked getting run over by a bus rather than share a sidewalk with him.

Eight days ago, she'd only hidden behind a rather fat man on his way to Howard Johnson's.

Four days ago, she'd nodded solemnly to him.

Three days ago, he groped her and for the next two days it was like four weeks ago.

Yesterday, she smiled at him.

Today, she may only stop talking to him for three or four hours after his scheduled grope so he could get down to the business of asking her out, falling madly in love with her, getting her to fall madly in love with him, create a love nest in Aspen, and spend the rest of their lives together until they die side by side in the Playboy Mansion Halloween Party whereupon they would be buried with full honors care of the Heffner Family and left to decay in the Mother Earth until she exploded as a screaming mass of entropy and left the atoms that made up their very beings mingle together for eternity.

It was his candor, independence, and realistic approach to relationships that kept most women attached to him, he was sure of it. Also, Hugh Heffner would totally let them hang out in his pad after they were married. Things were starting to make sense in Miroku's life, especially after Sango smiled at him. And why shouldn't she? They were going to spend eternity together.

Sango, on the other hand, was wondering if the same stroke of fate that sent Miroku headfirst into her chest also sent her a complete lack of socially acceptable men. She was as dateless as Kagome, but without a crazed urge to reproduce.

Sango did not get to spend a few paragraphs moping around in her head for the answers to life mysteries, her own woman problems, and a Theory of Relativity explanation for the possibility of a person like Miroku existing because today she actually ran into him on the street, was not groped, and was therefore put into a situation where she had to speak to him. Sober, even.

"Miroku."

"Sango, darling, it's been ages."

"I saw you on the street just yesterday."

"I mean ages since—" Miroku gave the dramatic pause ample time so he could position his hand near the tautest part of Sango's rump.

Sango had developed a sixth sense and reflexively decked him.

Miroku sure was feeling lucky.

"So I take it you will join me for lunch?"

"When did that ever enter the conversation, you deranged sex maniac?" Sango's voice was alarmingly loud, and several women in the vicinity had filled their purses with extra weight in case of a lynching. Luckily for Lucky Miroku, he had been in such situations before.

"It was an incredible night for me, Sango, I thought it would be very special for you. I can't believe you left right after…it broke me, I spent days and nights yearning for you, wondering if you'd ever see me as more than just a wanton object of lust." Miroku's eyes glistened with unshed tears and he effectively masked them with Pity Move Sixteen, Lowering the Head.

Sango's eyes widened in fear and she resorted to Desperate Female Fight-Or-Flight Rage,"IT WAS JUST COFFEE, YOU SHITHEAD!"

"MEN AREN'T WARNED ABOUT DATE RAPE!" Miroku wailed. The Biddy Brigade dropped their heavy purses in shock. Surely, surely society had not fallen into such a depth that respectable young women turned to acts of lewd lechery to get their kicks from sweet, love starved virgins such as Miroku? The nerve of that girl!

Sango caved and Miroku was easily able to steer her into a local coffee shop as she was suddenly overcome with mild catatonia and foaming at the mouth.

( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

"The good news, Inuyasha, is that I will no longer be nauseated by nearly everything I see, so you no longer have to wear that paper bag on your head during down time."

"I don't care. I just need to know the bad news. Now. So I can stake an insurance claim."

"I'm going to get fatter, Inuyasha, the pain is unbearable," Kagome said with a sad smile.

There was silence. Inuyasha's mind was screaming at him, "IT'S A TRAP! THAT'S A TRAP!" followed by mention and cursing of prominent deities.

"Y-y-you're n-n-not f-f-faa—"

"Don't worry, Inuyasha, if the book says I'm going to be fat with an abnormally expanding uterus, I'm going to be a sea cow with a uterus the size of Moscow. It's to be expected." Kagome's smile remained. Inuyasha searched for a weapon.

Concern overcame anxiety, as Inuyasha had learned any prominent mood swings probably indicated some type of disaster.

"You've been getting enough sleep, right?"

"Oh yes."

"Eating right?"

"I'm eating _everything_."

"Doing deep breathing? Lighting aromatherapy candles? Molesting the pizza boy?"

"Yes, yes, and he's stopped coming. They now leave my orders with the doorman, who wouldn't bend over for all the change in China."

Inuyasha chuckled, despite himself. It was downright Miroku, what she did to men in some of her more hormonal moments.

Kagome wanted to laugh. Suddenly everything felt fine, suddenly the worst of it was over, realization of the existence of her child became the most comforting and natural thought in the world and there was no one she wanted to share that bliss with than Inuyasha.

Wait, what? That must have been a brain typo. He paints stupid faces on rocks and chucks them at each other, laughing wildly to himself.

"I know what will make this day complete," Inuyasha broke Kagome's train of thought, "The Stoner Show."

"I wish you'd stop calling it that! They're just pebbles and you have too much free time! Why don't we just watch a movie instead?"

"Rental?"

"No, the movie rental boy also stopped coming on grounds of sexual harassment."

"_Sheesh_, Kagome!"

( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

Kagome had certainly gained girth. It didn't help the average diameter of a Japanese individual was about 8 cm. No kidding. She was sure they were that tiny!

"Why is that #$(!#&$ taking so long with my popcorn?"

"I think this is the first time in his life anyone asked for four helpings of butter layered under three helpings of popcorn in an extra large. Notice the grade school education." Inuyasha said, calmly, pointing at the cro-magnon stoop of the boy's forehead.

"He'll be extinct in a few moments. I need exactly enough time to finish 1/8 of my popcorn during credits. This is inhumane!" Kagome's red face was looking akin to Inuyasha's father, once, many summers ago when Inuyasha had painted the entire living room green to make it look like Giant Vomit.

Inuyasha leaped over the counter, pushed the dunce of a popcorn-maker aside, and viciously began to create a mix of liquid popcorn, salty and buttery enough to calm even the craziest of women.

The craziest of women accepted his sacrifice and they both left a large tip to the stunned boy as they entered the theater.

Or at least, _tried_ to enter the theater.

"Inuyasha, I'm stuck."

All of Inuyasha's training vanished at that moment. "Suck in your gut and get moving, I'm not about to miss the film of the century because of your female incompetence."

Baaaaaad idea.

"Oh, so PREGNANCY is INCOMPETENCE? Is _THAT_ what you think? Let me tell you something, BUDDY—"

Inuyasha paled under the verbal onslaught. Sure, she was screaming at the pitch black hall in front of her and holding up incoming movie patrons. But facts were facts, he wanted to watch a movie with her in uncrazy mode and she was totally stuck in the doorway.

Slicing remarks consisting of "What the hell is this?" and "Is this a joke?" began to accumulate behind Inuyasha and he knew, if he ever wanted to watch a matinee again, he would have to act quickly.

He got behind her and started pushing.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I'm in a delicate condition!"

"If you're not delicate enough to NOT try and kill me for this, then you can take a little force."

"I'll KILL you, I swear to the gods if this gets any more uncomfortable for me, I will see to it that you spend the rest of your days catering to every pregnant female in Tokyo General!"

Several snickers behind him caused Inuyasha to turn around and assess the crowd.

"Who just snickered?"

The crowd fell silent. Inuyasha's demon aura blazed masterfully around his form as he faced the group, murder in his eyes and death in his voice.

"I'm dead serious. Which one of you did this? Does it look like this is a great situation for any of us? I can hear the theme music and she's still stuck in the doorway," Inuyasha's rage gave way to resigned panic, "And she's not moving. She can't suck in her gut, she can't do anything. I can't do anything. Oh man. This is serious. She's stuck in a door. And I'm going to miss my movie. I can't believe how wrong this is going…." Inuyasha's address to the moviegoers changed into a chattering soliloquy in which only Kagome was the listener.

She heard the worry and her thirst for his blood subsided.

'I'll suck it up, for you Inuyasha.' And with those thoughts, she found her voice.

"One of you get back to that MENSA reject of a confectionary counter boy and ask him for a cup of butter."

One idiot piped up, "Lady, if I may say, your husband looks like he's got enough what with you already being stuck in that door. _Eating_ definitely isn't a solution, if I may say so."

"YOU MAY NOT SAY SO! Now, it seems I'm the only person remaining between you and your 7.50 picture so either get the butter or spend the rest of the night kissing my ass!"

It certainly got the crowd moving and within seconds, the men were pouring cold water over Inuyasha and slapping him out of his garbled ramblings and the women were administering warm butter between the edges of Kagome and the edges of the door.

She slipped out beautifully and landed near an empty seat.

"Come on, Inuyasha, it's already introduced all the main characters!"

Inuyasha made no noises. The crowd had already shuffled in and forgotten about the pair.

Kagome waddled over to the door and just as she was about to walk through and wake him, he leaped into consciousness.

"NOT AGAIN, WOMAN!"

Kagome stared blankly at him, slowly registering his consciousness.

Inuyasha carefully sat up, dusted his clothes, marched through the door frame and into Kagome, turned her around, and forcibly wedged her into a chair.

Kagome never really knew what movie they saw, all she could do was stare at Inuyasha, slightly in awe, slightly in fear, as he ate her popcorn and laughed at all the inappropriate parts.


End file.
